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FORT MYER, VA—President Trump declared in a televised address Monday that the U. was committed to fighting insurgents in Afghanistan until an unconditional victory was secured, or until he changed his mind, got distracted by something else, thought the war was reflecting poorly on him, or got bored with the whole thing.

WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

WASHINGTON—Fighting the urge to vomit as he gorged on the deep-fried, processed meat, disgusted special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly ate two Mc Donald’s 20-piece Chicken Mc Nugget meals in one sitting on Tuesday in an attempt to get into President Trump’s mind.

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival. No, no, no.” At press time, aides had grabbed Trump by the shirtsleeves and were dragging the struggling, whimpering candidate toward the stage as “We’re Not Gonna Take It” played over the loudspeakers.

When he met with editors to talk about his latest reporting triumph, he was self-effacing and sincere.

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